


Hands Are Overflowing

by Amell_Crest



Category: Last Tango In Halifax
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-10
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:02:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23094508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amell_Crest/pseuds/Amell_Crest
Summary: Drinking always seems to lead to confessions.
Relationships: Gillian Greenwood/Caroline McKenzie-Dawson
Comments: 41
Kudos: 139





	1. Chapter 1

  
"We should marry?"

"What?" Caroline looks between the half smile Gillian's wearing, and the recently full glasses of wine they're both holding. "What glass is it that we're on now?" She asks taking a sip of the offending drink. "Us? Marry? No." It's a very definite 'No' Caroline knows this because she feels slightly dizzy from shaking her head so vigorously.

"Why not?" Gillian snorts a laugh as she slumps farther down on the sofa, and holds her wine up. "Think this is number sev... Eight."

"Seveight? That. Is. Not. A. Number. And what'd do you mean 'why not?'"

"Yeah! Why not? We're a good team, us, you an' me. Good team! Team Garoline-"

"No!"

"Okay. How 'bout... Cillian."

"Isn't that an Irish name?"

"Is it?"

"Mmm. Or just the name of an Irish actor?"

"Is it?"

"Oh, I dont know." Caroline waves a hand dismissively. "Anyway, the answer is still no. It would be a complete disaster."

"And you still 'aven't told us why! You need a wife, I need a husband. I don't need the dangly bits anyway. Just, y'know..."

"No! I do not... Y'know. Please enlighten me."

"Why would we be a disaster?"

The genuine curiosity in Gillian's voice makes Caroline falter. "Well, because... Y'know." How is this a subject being discussed?

Ah. Yes. Alcohol. That's how this is being discussed.

She should put a stop to this. It'll just lead down a very strange, dangerous and confusing rabbit hole.

"No. I do not 'y'know'" Gillian finger quotes, giving Caroline a mischievous glint. "Why don't you enlighten me?"

"You are a knob. This conversation is going nowhere." And after another sip of wine, Caroline adds, "Ignoring everything else, we're stepsisters."

"What else is there t'ignore?"

"Well, the total disaster I mentioned earlier. Obviously. And I think the stepsister situation is a sticking point. Actually."

"Fine. Still think we'd be a good team though."

"Marriage isn't some sort of sport activity. Why are you so focused on us being a 'good team'?"

"A good marriage will work up a good sweat with physical activities! You're very attractive, an' I 'ave me moments. We could get very sweaty."

" _Gillian_!" Caroline yelps, smacking the other woman on the arm, but not hard enough to spill either of their drinks. "You can't even think of us getting sweaty!" She tries to keep the amusement out of her voice, but fails entirely. " _Together_!"

She also seems to be failing at defusing this subject, in fact, her brain helpfully adds, 'You appear to be encouraging this, Caroline. Stop it.'

This wine is potent. Perhaps a little _too_ potent.

"Okay. Forget my proposal then."

"Saying 'we should marry' is not a proper proposal."

"Oh!" Gillian gently places her glass onto the coffee table and slides-- well more, dribbles-- onto the floor, and awkwardly gets on one knee. "Caroline-"

"No-"

"Will you do me the great honour-"

"Gillian! No-"

"Of becoming my life long-"

"Oh for _fuck_ sake."

"-Partner? Should I ask Celia for your hand?"

"No. You should not! Even if this were something that would happen between us, the very act of you asking my mother's permission like I was her property used in some sort of trade for goods or money, or service, well, any respect I have for you would disappear, like, poof, a puff of smoke."

"Good. Don't think she'd be best pleased anyway. She's not keen on me, and you being a big old lesbian has never really sat well wi' her."

"I'm sorry." Caroline arches an eyebrow at the drunk woman on the floor. "Big? Old?"

"You know I don't mean it like that." Gillian blows her a raspberry and falls back onto the carpet.

"I don't understand where this is coming from." Caroline places her drink next to Gillian's and rests her arms on her legs, leaning to look at the woman laying down. "I know you get... Notions from time to time, but, us, as a what? An actual couple? No. That's... It's not..."

"Can I ask you summin'?"

"Since when do you ask permission?"

"Am I attractive? As in, do you find me attractive?"

"That. Is a complicated question."

"I find you attractive."

"You do?" She does? Wait... No. That can't be...

"Yeah. I've never before. Liked a woman that way. Before you I mean. And before Kate. And for long time after Kate." Gillian adds as she hefts herself back onto the sofa. "You an' me. We have this thing, yeah? Like, we know each other's secrets. Deep dark shit. And we don't give a toss about it."

"Speak for yourself. I for one am very judgmental." Caroline says it with a soft smile. She needs Gillian to know she's not _entirely_ serious.

"Okay. Yeah, we can be a bit off wi' each other. But my point is, even after everything, we've only got closer, not further apart. We're twins-"

"That's not helping with the marriage talk. Just so you know."

"I love you, Caroline. You're my best friend, you're the one person I trust wi' everything. More than me dad even. And I know I have a tendency to dump st-stuff on you, an' I'm sorry for that. Truly." Gillian takes a deep, staggering breath and rubs a hand over her face.

"Do you think maybe you've drunk too much? And maybe you're saying things you don't really mean?" Caroline asks. But she isn't entirely sure what answer she's hoping for.

"No. Well yeah I have, probably. Drunk a bit much, yeah. Changes nowt though. And you know what? I think you love me."

"Of course I love you, you daft pillock. We're family." Caroline hesitates before she puts an arm around Gillian and rests her chin on her head as she pulls her unto a hug. "Doesn't mean we should marry."

"You think I'm just saying this cause I'm drunk."

"Because you are. And you are."

There's silence for a long while after that. Caroline thinks maybe Gillian has fallen asleep, which sounds lovely right now, and she can feel her eyes begin to droop, but Gillian has put this ridiculous idea into her head now, and no matter how hard she tries, it refuses to budge.

There's no denying that Gillian is a striking woman. She's funny. She's intelligent, even if she doesn't believe she is sometimes, a smile that she's thought about more than she should have, and the most engaging eyes Caroline has ever seen. They draw you in. Show you every minute emotion Gillian is feeling. And it hurts Caroline that sadness has been the most prominent for most of her life. 

But over the years of them knowing each other, she has noticed that those eyes seem just a little bit more bright when they're together. A spark. A glint.

Stop.

"You awake?" She nudges Gillian gently.

"Think so. Why?"

"Just checking you weren't drooling on me."

"Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but..."

"Yes, I know." She rubs Gillian's shoulder.

"Why is it complicated question?"

"Why is what a complicated question?"

"Whether or not you find me attractive. Because, y'know what? It's more than skin deep, me fancying you. It's..." Gillian lets out a chuckle, and Caroline holds her breath. "It's soul deep. Bone deep. It's not me looking at you and thinking 'she's pretty' it's me looking at you an' thinking that my life is better with you in it. That I think 'bout you when I wake and before I sleep, and everything in between. Which is weird for me. I've never felt this way about anyone before. With... Eddie... It was, I dunno, the intensity of youth, but I'm not a teenager now. Yeah I'm a mess of a human but, I still know me own feelings. I married Robbie because he loved me, an' I liked him. _At best_ , I liked him. Was fond if him. But never, you know, loved him. Never loved anyone, not until... Well..."

Caroline tenses when Gillian lurches forward, but doesn't relax when she realises that it's just the wine Gillian is getting, and when she hands her, her glass, Gillian studies her.

"You've got your hard stare happening, Caroline."

"My what?"

"The look you get when you're ruminating. It's like you're staring really hard at something in your mind, or something. This one doesn't look like one of your 'I'm counting to a hundred or I'm gonna kill her' looks. Which I'm optimistic about."

"I hadn't realised I had different... stares."

"Y'do. Trust me."

Caroline empties the contents of her glass, and stands up. "Im going to bed. I don't think this is a conversation we should have drunk."

"But you're saying that there is a conversation to be had?"

Say no. Of course not. That's ridiculous. "I'm not, _not_ , saying that."

Well done, Caroline. You were very firm with her.

"Okay. I'll take that." Gillian looks up at her with a wide, open smile. "Goodnight, Caroline."

"Sleep tight, Gillian."

As she unsteadily makes her way upstairs to bed, Caroline knows with complete and utter certainty, that she's well and truly... Fucked.


	2. Chapter 2

"Stop that y'bastard." Gillian points an accusatory finger at the bird perched on the ledge outside, and tapping on Caroline's kitchen window. "Some of us are not feeling our best today. Thank you very much."

A waft of strong coffee causes her to grip the sink and concentrate on not chucking up. The empty wine glasses just sitting there, taunting her and her stupid inability to keep her mouth shut. "Stupid fucking wine. What'm I gonna say to her, eh? Mr. Jackdaw?" The bird doesn't respond. "You're no help, you." She takes a deep breath, then straightens up and takes a long drink of water before she braves dealing with the coffee maker thingy. She needs caffeine.

What the fuck was she thinking? Telling Caroline that stuff last night. Of all the idiotic things she'd done, this was the _most_ idiotic. Or, in the top three anyway.

"What if she stops bothering with me?"

That cannot-- absolutely cannot-- happen. She can't lose Caroline from her life.

Shit.

Okay. She needs a plan. Should she pretend that she doesn't remember what she said? There's no guarantee that Caroline would go along with it though. Depends on her mood really. On one hand, given how much they drunk last night, Caroline could be feeling rough enough to go along with the obvious avoidance. On the other hand, and the most likely, she'll want to tackle Gillian's confession head on. The stubborn mare that she is.

It's just the fallout from this that Gillian is concerned about.

Right, no, Plan A, pretend it didn't happen. Plan B, if Caroline wants to talk about it... Run?

No. That's stupid.

"Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit."

"Everything all right?" The cool, almost strained tone of Caroline's voice makes Gillian's anxiety sky rocket.

"Caroline! What're you, part cat? I didn't hear you come down!" Did she sound like a crazy person? Yeah, she did. That definitely sounded borderline hysterical. "Coffee?"

"Mmm. Yes. That sounds... Well, it sounds revolting, but very much needed."

"You're lookin' a bit delicate." Gillian gives her an awkward smile, before turning to the fancy French press, and tries to concentrate on slowly pushing down the plunger thingy.

"Yes. Wonder why." There's the sound of empty wine bottles being gently placed in the recycling.

Gillian can't tell if Caroline is being off with her, or she's just hung-over. Either way, she doesn't seem happy.

"Listen, Gillian..."

"Mmm?" Fuck. That's her serious voice. "I'll be headin' off soon, so you won't have t'worry 'bout me getting under feet. Sheep'll be needing feeding, an' I need to pick up part for tractor. If I get there too late the old bugger at the garage'll sell the thing I ordered weeks ago, an' I'll 'ave to wait another two weeks- "

"Gillian."

That's the, losing patience head teacher voice. She still refuses to look at her though, and she continues pissing about with the coffee pot. She hopes, wishes, prays, that she doesn't hear any words that are along the line of them not seeing each other anymore. Well, like friends anyway. Caroline would never stop her seeing Flora. No matter how angry she was.

"Gillian."

Oh. Okay. That's the 'brook no nonsense' voice. The one that can't be ignored.

"Yeah." She steels herself as she turns to face her.

"We, are, both very tired, and very hung-over. So, a long drawn out conversation, as we are prone to have, shouldn't be on the cards for us right now." Caroline closes her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose. "Unfortunately, I don't see any other kind of conversation we can have after last night."

"Are you... Mad at me?" She can feel her whole body flush with panic.

"Was the, thing, that you said to me, true?" Caroline asks, staring at something somewhere beyond Gillian's left ear.

"Yeah. Yes. Yeah. I'm not going to take it back, what I said. I meant it, but I am sorry that I always complicate your life, Caroline. I really am. We can ignore it if that's what needed to happen. But if you stop talking to me, I... I don't think I could handle that."

Caroline walks passed her and pours herself the coffee that Gillian had failed to provide. "No. I don't think I could ever remove you from my life, Gillian."

"Yeah, I'm like black mold, me." The self deprecating response is automatic.

Caroline spins around so fast to face her, it looks like she's about to topple. "Stop doing that!" It's not a shout exactly, but it's not far off. "Stop telling me you're a burden to me or that I'm better off without you, or that you somehow deserve being treated like dirt. You _are_ not! You _do_ not! I need you in my life, not because of obligation, or because you're a... a, fungus that is difficult to remove. I need you, because. Because..."

"Because...?" She feels hopeful. And she feels like an idiot _for_ feeling hopeful. But she takes a few steps forward, and enters Caroline's orbit; at least that's how it always feels when she's this close to her. She gets drawn in, like an unstoppable gravitational pull.

Much to Gillian's relief, Caroline doesn't move away from her; in fact she seems to lean in a little.

"You don't complicate my life." Caroline must notice the skepticism on her face, because she adds. "Well, not negatively anyway. It’s more that you make it interesting. The problem is... Is, from my point of view, is that, we _are_ stepsisters, and I have, on occasion, perhaps, had some decidedly, non-stepsisterly thoughts about you."

"Lesbian thoughts?" Gillian whispers it like a schoolgirl asking about a crush; just _this shy_ of giggly.

Caroline purses her lips, and then taps a finger on them. She isn't avoiding her gaze, and those intense eyes don't look angry, they seem _very_ focused on Gillian.

Is she blushing? She feels like she's blushing.

"Perhaps. The occasional stray..." She shakes her head ever so slightly, and flits her fingers off to the side. "Inappropriate thought."

" _How_ inappropriate?" Gillian grins. This conversation is not turning out as terrifying as she'd thought it would. She has an idea that she wants to kiss her; like some silly grand romantic gesture. But she knows that'd probably be a bit too much, and maybe unwanted.

Also, she still sort of wants to vomit.

Caroline sighs moving out of their intimate space, and leans against the kitchen counter. "We would be a bad idea, Gillian."

Damn it. "Would we though? Why?"

"Ugh. Déjà vu all over again, hmm? Okay, point one," She holds up a finger. "How do we explain to _both_ sides of our family that we've transitioned from sisters-"

"-Stepsisters."

"Right. Yes. Fine. Stepsisters. How do we explain _that,_ to... Lovers? Point two." A second finger goes up. "My mother would have an aneurysm, and I don't think Alan would be especially thrilled. How would we explain this to William, and Lawrence, and Raff? You know what? That wasn't point two, that was just a continuation of point one! Point two!"

"Caroline? Is any of these points-- that you've _obviously_ worked out -- that you don't... Love... Me?"

Caroline narrows her eyes at her. "I do not appreciate the sarcasm."

"No. Right." Gillian nods. She's not sure where this confidence is coming from, but she's fairly sure that what's going on right now is just bluster. "Sarcasm aside; will any of your points be that you have no _lesbian_ feelings for me?" She waggles her eyebrows.

"Don't!" Caroline points a warning finger at her, but she's trying not to smile.

"We don't have to tell anyone y'know. I know I said we should marry, but that was really just my stupid way of telling you I loved you. I know that us being a sort of family makes this difficult, but the reason I think that we would work, is," She takes a deep breath. "Is we make each other happy." She stands next to Caroline by the counter; pressing herself into her side, and cautiously takes hold of her hand. "By some weird twist of fate, me dad and your mum found each other again, and because of that, _you_ , are in my life. An' I want _more_ of you in my life. We just won't say owt to anyone."

"Are you still a little bit drunk?"

"Side step all you want. I'm still waiting to hear you say you don't love me. That you aren't really that happy when I'm around. Will I hear it?"

"You're annoyingly persistent."

"Will I hear those things?"

"So you're saying we have some secret, illicit affair? Is that what you're saying? Come on, Gillian. It's ridiculous!"

She sounds annoyed, but Caroline is still holding her hand.

"What else could we do? Y'said yerself, Celia would go apeshit, and me dad would probably just blame me, and be a bit more disappointed than he usually is. An' calling it an affair is a bit much, don't you think? We're both single. Unhappily so, yeah? So...? How about we try it an' see how it goes."

"Now you're making it sound like we're trying out a new jam or something."

"Caroline!" Gillian shifts her position so that she's almost pressed against her front. "Please. Yes, or no. I'd like to find out before I leave, whether or not I have to stay out of your way for a while because I've made a bloody fool of meself."

It must've been a good thirty seconds of Caroline not saying anything; just, scanning Gillian's face.

"A trial." She eventually says. "We take it slow. Very, very slow. I need to adjust my emotions towards you. It'll probably take some time to actually accept the feelings I've had for you that I've been avoiding for some time. Is that... Okay? That we take it slow."

"More than okay." Gillian is bouncing on her heels and smiling like the Cheshire Cat.

"Good. Good." Caroline is smiling too. "I _do_ love you. And you _do_ make me happy. And, this is all well and good in theory, the practice may be a tad rocky, though."

"Is this part of your adjustment process? The immediate back-tracking? Assuming we're doomed before we've even started?"

"Sorry."

"S'okay." She cups Caroline's cheeks for a moment. "I do have to go though. Farm waits for no one."

"Yes. Of course."

"I'll talk to you later?"

"You will. Absolutely. Yes."

"Are you okay?"

"Adjusting. I'm adjusting. I'm just trying to speed up the adjusting process."

"There's no rush. I'm not going anywhere. I mean I am, physically, I got t'get back." She jerks a thumb towards the door. "But, y'know... Apart from that. Not going anywhere."

Caroline laughs. "Yes."

She risks a quick peck on Caroline’s cheek, and grabs her jacket. “I’ll call you later, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

They just stand there for several long moments, simply smiling at each other, before Gillian gives her a little wave. “Bye.”

And then she leaves.

As soon as she gets into the Landy, she lets out a quiet squeal of unadulterated joy.

A part of her wants to be realistic about this; that her and Caroline will probably end in flames, but right now, she’s letting herself look forward to something good for once in her long and miserable life. She wants more than anything to deserve this. To deserve Caroline.

She wants to be happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone that's commented and given me a cheeky little kudos. It's been a while since I've written, and for some reason, seeing these two ladies again after all these years has sparked something in my brain.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, There's mention of Gillian's unpleasant past in this chapter, but no details. And second, Thank you all for your comments and the kudos. They have definitely cheered me up during my self isolation (Which is mostly why I've taken so long with this chapter. Its been a stressful time for the house. Even the cat is being weird, because we're all tense.)

Caroline's gaze is fixed on the clock. Her fingers rhythmically drumming against the fourth mug of coffee she's had today. Which hasn't really made her feel any more human from this morning, but it _has_ kept her awake.

It's twenty four minutes past two in the afternoon, and Gillian left eight hours and six minutes ago.

She's annoyed that there has yet to be a phone call, even though Gillian didn't _actually_ give her a time as to when she'd ring, and she knows that the farm keeps her very busy. But she could've got in touch at lunch time? Or, perhaps she worked through; It's been known to happen far too often. She really shouldn't skip meals.

"Caroline, love?"

Her head snaps to her mother. "Yes?"

"Were you listening to me?"

"Yes, of course. You were... Talking about, Alan." She wasn't listening at all, but given that Alan and his job has been the subject of the majority of their conversations lately, it was an educated guess.

"He's gone to Gillian's." Her mother looks like she's just sucked a lemon. "Ellie and Raff took him there after his, shift, at that _supermarket_."

Caroline rolls her eyes at the way her mother says it, but she still focuses on the other part of the sentence. "He's at Gillian's now, is he?"

"Well, probably getting there now-ish I'd imagine. He finished at two o'clock."

"Hmm." Her eyes drift back to the clock.

For over eight hours, Gillian has occupied her mind; well longer really, if you include those hours before, while she was struggling to sleep. And she's gradually, over the course of the day, allowed herself to entertain certain, thoughts, about Gillian.

Nothing _too_ sordid. To her surprise, she'd spent at least half an hour solid where apparently, all she'd been thinking about was Gillian in her work jeans. That was around mid-morning. Since then she'd been musing about the dimples when she really smiles, also her strong hands, and back to those jeans again. And plaid shirts.

Mmm.

She's vaguely aware that her mother's mobile is ringing.

Maybe she should send a message? A little nudge. A little reminder that she's here.

Good. Lord. What, is happening to her? She should be more mature about this. She hasn't felt this way since she was in university; waiting for... Whats-her-name to come around to the idea that she might be inclined towards ladies. More specifically, inclined towards Caroline.

What _was_ her name?

"Caroline!"

"Yes, Mum!" She only just manages to not snap. Her mother looks concerned holding the phone to her chest. "What's wrong?" Oh no. Alan hasn't had another heart attack, has he?

"It's Gillian."

"Is it? Let me talk to her." She holds out her hand for her mother's phone.

"No, love. Gillian's in the hospital."

Caroline stands up. "Which hospital?" She strides to the door and shouts. "Flora! Get your shoes on!" Then looks to her mother expectantly. "Mum? Which hospital?"

Celia waits for a reply from whoever is on the phone. "Calderdale Royal."

No. Not again. "What's happened?" She realises that she sounds angry.

"Keep your knickers on, Caroline!" Her mother says a goodbye to whoever was on the other end of the phone, and is looking at her like she's grown another head. "The dozy bugger just cut herself. It's nothing serious."

"You're sure?"

"Of course! Apparently, something fell off the top bit of the barn, and it landed on a spanner, or something, and the spanner flew up and hit her on the head. That idiot, Harry saw it happen right in front of him."

"The barn." Caroline tightens her jaw. She shouldn't let herself buy into this curse nonsense about that barn.

But.

"When did she get to the hospital? Who took there? She couldn't have driven herself, she might have a concussion."

She can hear Flora stomping around upstairs, then loudly making her way down.

"I don't know. I'd expect, Harry took her."

"Well, who just called you now, to tell you? Alan? Could you ring him back and get more useful information? And drink your tea, we're going."

"Yes, it was , Alan. Why are we going? She's fine."

"Mum. Get ready to go." When her mother doesn't move, she adds, "Now."

"Where are we going?" Flora looks up at her curiously.

"Halifax. Aunty Gillian is in hospital." Caroline grabs her coat, car keys and bag.

"Is Aunty Gillian alright? Will Calamity be there?"

"I don't know, Chicken. Mum? You can stay here if you'd like, but, _we_ are going."

"Fine." The long suffering sigh her mother lets out as she hefts herself up from the chair has Caroline clenching her teeth. "But I still don't see why we have to leave right this second."

"No. Well. We are. So... You don't have to come, you know. You can just go home. It makes no difference to me." In fact, she thinks she'd prefer it if she _did_ go home.

"No, it's fine. Besides, how will Alan get home?"

"Just follows us in your car, Mum."

"Why are you being so shirty with me?"

"I'm not. Let's go." She walks out the door before she can get a response.

Yes. Okay, she is being shirty. Her normal level of patience for her mother at this very second has reached its maximum. It's not like she can tell her why. As temping as that is. It might shut her up for a bit though.

_'Mum, I think I'm a little bit in love with Gillian. Have been for a while in fact. We were thinking of getting married so both the families become even more joined. Hope you'll actually come to **this** wedding.'_

Hmm. If only.

During the drive to Halifax, her mother called from the Lexus to say that Gillian went to the accident and emergency around late morning, and has got home safely, with an all clear about a concussion.

Prior to that phone call, Caroline focused on Flora's constant chatter because it helped in both distracting, and comforting her. Which was enough to stop her from crashing the car from worry.

After she's parked up in Gillian's yard and unloaded Flora, she walks purposefully towards the front door.

"Don't walk off without me, Caroline!"

She halts abruptly hearing her mother. She'd completely forgot about her.

"Fucking hell." She mutters.

"Swear."

"Sorry, Chicken." Caroline smiles down at her daughter and runs her fingers through her hair. "I'm just feeling a tad anxious."

Flora stays silent for a few seconds, before asking, "Is that like when I was made to be Angel Number Two in nativity last Christmas, and I cried because everyone was looking at me?"

Caroline has to stifle laugh at that memory. "A little like that, yes."

"But Aunty Gillian's okay though, right? Not like when I was Angel Number Two. That was a _total_ disaster."

"Yes," She chuckles. "It was." She turns to her mother when she comes to stand next to her. "Can we go in now?"

"You need to check that attitude young lady." Her mother huffs, and proceeds to walk off without her.

Caroline takes a deep breath before walking into the farmhouse, and frowns when she sees the kitchen table full, minus one.

The important one.

"Where's, Gillian?" She ruffles Flora's head as she charges towards, Calamity.

Alan nods outside. "Wi' sheep."

She takes another deep breath. "Why did you let her do that?"

"You know our, Gillian. Once she's put her mind to summat... Well." Alan shrugs like he's got the weight of Gillian's past misdeeds and bad decisions on his shoulders.

"Hmm. Yes." She can't argue with him. "I'm going out to see her."

"She's in a bit of a strop." Raff warns.

"I'll brave it regardless."

Before Caroline sees Gillian, she hears the swearing and banging, and as she rounds the corner of the barn, she can tell why; Bent with her back to Caroline, over a misshapen metal gate, Gillian is hammering at it with vigor, and appears to be very angry about it.

"Are you okay to be doing that with a head injury."

Gillian spins around, holding the hammer like she about to hurl it, then lowers it quickly when she realises who it is. "I'm fine. What're you doin' here?"

Caroline swallows when she sees the bandage on Gillian's head. "Why do you think? I was worried. About you. Obviously"

"Were ya?" Gillian seems pleased for a moment. Then she schools her features. "You shouldn't've. I'm fine. Go home."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. You've made a wasted trip though."

"Don't 'nothing' me." Caroline cautiously makes her way towards her. "You're being very standoffish."

"M'not." Gillian shrugs her mouth, and glares at the giraffe on the wall.

"Gillian..."

"Caroline. Go home. I'm fine."

"This about the barn, isn't it."

Gillian clenches her jaw. "I felt... hopeful, this morning. About us." She waves a hand between them. "An' then..." She jabs a finger at the barn. "I made the mistake of going in that thing."

"I'll admit. The timing was, _unfortunate_."

"Unfortunate? Sure. Yeah. You know this is my punishment, yeah?" Gillian says, sounding utterly defeated. "Caroline. Could you move away from it." She points to the barn again.

She walks away from the building, and stands right in front of Gillian. "So. How do we exorcise this place?"

"What?" Gillian looks up at her with such sadness and vulnerability, she wants to wrap her up in her arms; she stops herself though, she doesn't want to spook her.

"How do we get rid of him?"

"I..." Gillian's eyes flit between Caroline and the barn. "I don't know. If I'd known how to do that, I'd've done it by now."

"I think your guilt has a lot to do with it."

Gillian cocks her head and raises her brow. "No shit, Sherlock." She says it with a hint of sass.

Caroline lets out a chuckle, before getting back to the matter at hand. "I refuse to let a piece of shit like, Eddie, stop me exploring whatever may happen between us. So we need to figure out how to get rid of that little prick." She assesses the building in front of her for a moment. "What if we just demolish it and build a new one?"

"I can't afford that!"

"I can. And before you say you don't like depending on people or taking money from people, I _know_ this. But here's the thing, this isn't a handout, it's an investment in our relationship."

"You make it sound so romantic." Gillian deadpans.

"Yes. Sorry. It wasn't meant to sound quite so, business-like. But would it help? Replacing it I mean?"

"Oh, I don't know, Caroline. Ever seen that film, Poltergeist?"

"Yes. The ghost haunted the house because it was built _on top_ of a grave yard. In this case, the barn is the grave yard. Ergo..."

"Ergo yourself." Gillian responds back at her, and scrunches up her face. "I don't know though. Just seems like a waste of money."

"Would it though? Seems to me that a building like that would get a lot of damage, and day to day wear and tear. You'll just be replacing it sooner rather than later."

"Mmm."

"Am I swaying you? Any fancy farming equipment that could be added to it?"

"Always. It just seems a bit dramatic, an' too much money to spend because you want to 'invest' in something that might very well crash and burn."

"We're a good team, you've said yourself. I think there's more of a chance of us working really well together than it being a disaster."

Gillian studies her with an expression of mild confusion. "What happened since this morning?"

" _A lot_ of thinking."

"Lesbian thinking?" Gillian grins.

Caroline smiles and looks over at the fields around her. "Maybe." She looks back at her when Gillian takes her hand.

"I've been lesbian thinking about you too."

"Could we stop calling it that?"

"Why?" Gillian's amusement is apparent. "It's what it is."

"You find the strangest things funny."

"Simple things, please simple minds."

"That self deprecating you do, _will_ be stopping."

"Will it now?" Gillian cocks an eyebrow in challenge.

Caroline finally gives in to the urge to touch her, and she holds Gillian's face in her hands. "I'm not going to force you to stop putting yourself down, you've been doing it as long as I've known you, seems to be ingrained at this point. But what I am going to do, is tell you that you're one of the most amazing women I've ever met, and I've met Michelle Obama. You deserve to be more than just a survivor of your past. Yes, it's a massive part of you; it's made you strong, but it's also made you..."

"A fuck up?"

"Not how I'd put it."

"No? How _would_ you put it then?"

"Self sabotaging."

"Okay. Fair."

Caroline kisses Gillian's forehead, and moves her hands to rub her arms. "So, do you know of any good builders?"

Gillian looks conflicted. "What if it's not enough to get rid of him?"

"Then we try something else."

"Like what?"

"Don't know yet. But we've got plenty of time to figure that out. You know, together, as a team."

"Yeah." Gillian fully turns to look at the barn, and stares at it for a long time. "Maybe it is time to put him to rest."

"Yes?"

"Yeah." Gillian turns back to her and smiles. "Come on, my phone's in the house. If I'm lucky I can get hold of Ol' Lucky Steve." She gives Caroline's sleeve a tug as she walks towards the house.

"Who's that?"

"Builder based in Shipley. Used to work wi' Robbie."

"Oh? Why is he called Ol' Lucky?"

"When he was a copper, some little shits knocked him off a bridge with a car they'd pinched. Bridge had to 'ave been fifteen feet high, an' all that 'appened to Steve, was he got a bit wet. Not a scratch on 'im."

"Wow. And now he's a builder? That's quite a career change."

"Happens more than y'think wi' coppers. It's a stressful job."

"Hmm."

"Are you really sure about this, Caroline?"

"Yes." She says it firmly.

"Okay."

As they reach the front door, Gillian gives her a small smile. "Thanks. For everything."

"You're very welcome."

"You had to bring up meeting Michelle Obama though, didn't you?" Gillian laughs as she enters the house.

"Just thought you needed reminding."

Caroline takes a seat at the full kitchen table. Several conversations happening all at once; Alan and Ellie talking about work, her mother asking Raff about his troubled students. Flora and Calamity talking about how much Ewan Davies, from year five, sucks. It's all very comforting. She leans back in her chair and watches Gillian pace around the room as she talks on the phone, and when she catches Caroline's eye, she gives her a wink.

Gillian was right this morning; As unlikely as it seems, they do make each other happy.


	4. Chapter 4

"Tell me why you're doing this, again?" Raff asks as he puts a mug of tea on the wall outside, next to where Gillian is sitting.

"Caroline offered to pay for it." She answers, watching Lucky walking around the barn jotting things down on a little notebook, and scratching his beard thoughtfully. She still feels weird and anxious about this, but strangely zen too. It's all very conflicting and contradictory.

"And, believe me, I have questions about that. But mostly I just don't get why." He gestures at the building. "Barn is fine. Serviceable."

"Shouldn't you be getting off to work? I'm sure those kids'll be ready to learn after the weekend."

"Don't remind me." Raff blows out a long breath. "I hate Mondays."

"You should get one of those posters wi' cats on."

"What posters?"

"Y'know. Those cat posters that say 'I hate Mondays' an' the cat looks like it's been chucked in a bath or summit."

"Yeah. I don't know what those are. Must be an old person thing."

Gillian gives his shin a whack. "Cheeky bastard."

"Has Steve said how long this is goin' t'take? Not too long I hope, sheep'll need to come in from the weather soon enough."

"He said probably about two months."

"Oof. Cutting it fine int it? Why couldn't this've waited 'til next year? After lambin'?"

"I just want it gone."

There's an awkward silence before Raff replies. "Right. Yeah. Course. We can give money towards it."

"Raff!" Ellie's voice booms from somewhere inside the house. "Shift yer arse!"

"We'll talk about this later, mum."

"Nowt to talk about." Gillian says shaking her head, and rubbing her palms on her jeans. "Now get to work, and go shape the minds of our future."

"That's a truly terrifying concept." Raff grumbles.

Before he walks off, Gillian grabs hold of him, and pulls herself up to stand. "Suppose I should get Madam ready for school."

"Make sure she brushes her teeth."

"Oh. I wouldn't've thought about that unless you'd told me. Thanks for that stellar parenting tip."

"Yeah." Raff rolls his eyes. "Alright."

* * *

Half an hour later, she's pulled up outside the school, and still trying to deflect the question from her constantly curious granddaughter, as to why the giraffe is being knocked down.

"We can put another giraffe on the new barn."

"Won't be the same though, will it?" Calamity gives her an annoyingly patronizing look that belongs on someone ten years older than her.

"No. We could put something else on there though."

"Like what? An elephant? An elephant in front of a rainbow. With a tutu. On a chair."

"Sure. If that's what y'fancy."

"I'll need to discuss this with Flora." Calamity gives her a serious look.

"Well of course you will. It's an important decision." Gillian nods in what she hopes looks like a sagely manner.

When the passenger side door opens revealing a happy looking Flora, Gillian immediately looks around for Caroline, and sucks in her lips to try and hide her smile from the kids.

"Hiya Aunty Gillian. Why're you looking so happy?"

Oh for fu-fu- Why are these kids so clever?

Caroline is looking smug as she leans against the open door. "Yes, Aunty Gillian. Why _are_ you looking so happy?"

As Calamity clambers out of the Landy, Gillian shakes her head at Caroline with mock exasperation. "I think whatever reason there might've been for summat resembling happiness, has well an' truly passed."

"Aww. That's a shame." Flora says with genuine disappointment. "I hope your day gets better. And that your head doesn't hurt anymore. Bye mum, bye Aunty Gillian."

And with that, the two little ones scamper off without noticing the waves of goodbye from the two women.

"So," Caroline climbs up onto the passengers seat, and pulls the door closed. "has Old Steve the Lucky done his evaluation?"

"Still doin' it now."

"I take it questions have arisen. I had a very tedious conversation with my mother yesterday. _'Why are you paying for it? Why has she accepted your offer?'_ I think she's put out that I haven't..." She puffs her cheeks out as she exhales. "Oh I don't know, bought that kitchen she wanted, or paid for decorating one of those bedrooms that aren't really used."

"Yeah. Maybe." Gillian shrugs. "Me dad was just confused about it. But said he was pleased that we get on s'well now."

Caroline barks out a very unladylike laugh at that. "If only he knew! That's why I love your dad; where mum is suspicious of my reasons, he's just happy that we're... close... now."

"Mmm."

"What?" Caroline looks at her with a hint of nervousness.

"Nothing." Gillian squeezes her arm briefly. "Just thinkin' that he'd be decidedly less pleased if he'd heard us, uh," She looks around at all the parents still flitting around the school. Some of them giving the two of them passive aggressive glances for not having left by now. "heard our conversations lately."

"No. Well. I'm trying to not think about our parents when it comes to us." Caroline gives a little cough before turning in the seat to face her more. "Have you told the builder to send me the invoice?"

"Yeah."

"Good. Good." Caroline nods. Then looks down at her lap and starts picking invisible bits off her pristine skirt. Gillian waits. It looks like she's building up to something. "So, I was wondering if you'd like to come over for dinner sometime this week."

"Yeah. Okay. But why'd'ya need to mentally prepare yourself to ask me that? We had dinner together three nights ago. We've had dinner together, like, a million times." Gillian pauses, then grins. "Wait! Are you, askin' me out, on a date type thing?"

"Perhaps. Yes. Yes I am. Yes."

"Caroline? Are you nervous? Do _I_ make you nervous?"

"Yes. You do."

"Why though? It's just me. We spend tonnes of time together, we've gone on our hols together, we're... best friends or whatever you'd call two women in their fifties."

"Yes, and that's the crux of it, isn't it? It's you. It's not a random date with someone I hardly know. I'm nervous because it, is, _you_. There's so much more to lose if it goes wrong."

"Still doin' yer processing an' adjusting I see. You know my feelings on the subject. You shouldn't be nervous, Caroline. Not about me. In fact, given your tendency to... Spiral..." Gillian spins a finger in the air. "I'm the one who should be nervous."

"Sorry! No, you shouldn't be concerned. I'm sorry that my behavior is making you nervous. For the first time in a long time, I really want something to happen."

"What about that, Ruth woman? Or Judith?"

"Ruth?" Caroline waves her hand dismissively. "She was a passing fancy. And, Judith? No. Just no. A non-starter. But with you? There's already feelings. Deep rooted feelings, that have been nurtured and tended to for years."

"Wow. That was, very, uh..." Gillian doesn't really know what to say. She's never heard Caroline talk like this before. So sentimental like. And never thought it would be directed towards her. It makes her feel... Happy.

"Too much?"

"No! It was the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

"Oh! Okay. I don't know whether I should be pleased about that or not."

"Why wouldn't y'be pleased about that?"

"Because, well, it's sad that that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to you."

"You're not going to start pitying me are yer? I don't want that. Not from you."

"I don't pity you." Caroline says, putting a hand on her shoulder. "I just get very angry at a dead man because you haven't had more happiness in your life."

"Well, just so y'know, _you're_ changin' that."

Caroline gives her a soft smile. Then there's a persistent honk from a car behind them, and her head whips around to look; her expression changing very quickly from something sweet, to someone who looks like they're about to smash a car in.

"Entitled dickhead!" Caroline fumes. "You would swear that prick had important things to do the way he acts. Rather than lounging around his indoor swimming pool, and shagging his wife's sister."

"Where'd'ya hear that from?" Gillian turns around herself to look at Kyle Ellis sitting in his Porsche, getting angry at the Landy, then at his six year old son for not moving quickly enough.

"Tessa Braithwaite. She's their cleaner. Her niece is one of my star pupils."

"He looks the type." Gillian nods.

"Maybe we should talk somewhere a little more private." Caroline turns back to her, ignoring Kyle Ellis' honking. "Rather than outside a school, at peak time."

"Like on a lesbian date."

"Yes. Like on a date." Caroline rolls her eyes. "Must you prefix everything with the word 'lesbian'?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"It's funny. And accurate." Gillian gives her a toothy grin.

Caroline let's out a sigh and smiles. "Fine." She agrees, then opens the passenger door. "Anyway, I should get going. I'll call you later." She hops out of the Landy and slams it shut, giving Gillian a little wave before walking towards her car.

A date.

It doesn't seem like the right word really. It implies something casual. She and Caroline could never be that, not after everything they've gone through.

Gillian gently touches the bandage on her head once, then starts the engine.

She isn't going to let Eddie ruin this.

It really is time to exorcise that fucker.


End file.
